I know we are mates, but that almost makes it worse. If he was a stranger I could get on with my life, do my thing and not get so worked up about the way he is. But it's because he is a friend that I get so angry with him.
And I'm disillusioned. This is not how things were meant to go.
I committed myself to him, to following him and doing whatever he told me. I gave up so much to do all this, and now I'm feeling like it was a waste of time.
I'm starting to think he's not right in the head.
Don't get me wrong, when I first signed up it was all good. The twelve of us are all really different, and yeah, we have argued a lot, but in the early days it was great. We'd be healing people, driving out demons, baptising people and seeing thousands of people coming to listen to Jesus. There was buzz, excitement and recognition.
So I thought the revolution was on its way. I was getting ready for the fight. I was getting ready for the power and the wealth when the Romans were kicked out and when I took my place as one of the chosen leaders in Jesus' inner circle.
I was getting ready to be given the spoils just like in the old days when God wiped out cities and gave Israel their money and possessions.
But it hasn't been going the way I thought it would.
Jesus keeps talking about dying. I don't get it.
He keeps saying that it is the weak and suffering that will get everything. Well I'm weak and I'm suffering, so where is my wealth and power? I don't see his promises coming through.
I thought Jesus was the powerful Messiah sent from God who was going to come and get our land back and sort everything out, but the more time I spend with him the weaker he seems. Always giving special attention to the down and outs. What's the point? They won't be able to help.
And then there is his favourites, Peter, James and John. Always taking them off for little chats and prayer times. Why aren't I involved? I've got more skills than all of them combined.
I know the religious leaders hate him, and I'm starting to see why.
I know he's a friend, and I know I thought he was the Messiah sent from God, but everything is changing and maybe I need to do something about it?