At one point one of the Elders stood up and shared his thoughts and feelings about the church and the vision that we have been called to fulfil under God. He went on to say that he believes that I am at the heart of the vision God has for the church, at which many voices said, 'Amen' and 'Yes!' It was hard hearing those words come out of his mouth...
Part of me felt humbled when he said it because he sees something in me that makes him believe that God will use me to fulfil part of His vision for the church. Part of me felt proud, with my ego beginning to swell the more people said 'Yes' and Amen!'. And part of me felt ashamed because I am not the man of God that I want to be. I am not the evangelist that I pray to God that I would be. I do not seek God with all that I am. I do not pray without ceasing. I am not a living sacrifice. How I desire to be all of these. How I wish I did love God with all that I am. Yet the truth is I don't.
I was praying the other day about a baptism we are having on Sunday. I was praying about the preach I will share and I asked God if He would please not treat me as my apathy, lukewarmness and sin deserve. I asked Him to have mercy on me and, despite my failings and my weakness, please speak to people Sunday night. I know God doesn't need me to change other people's lives. My ego tells me He does, but I know He doesn't. Yet I desire that He would WANT to use me. That His DESIRE would be to speak through me, if only I was willing to surrender to His will.
Oh, how I wish I didn't always feel so down on myself. I wish there were times when I would see myself the way God sees me. Sometimes when Sarah looks at me, I see the way God sees me. When Grace laughs at me, I see the way God sees me. When I sit on my own in my study and mediate, I see the way the devil sees me, and that's when it gets tough. when I sit and meditate I also see the darkness and long for the Light to shine through it.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.